Williamsʼ father was Episcopalian which he describes as “Catholic light: half the religion, half the guilt.” And his mother was a devout Christian Scientist. Though Williams is not very religious today, he considers the possibility that his motherʼs faith and its idea of “mind over matter” helped him kick his drug and alcohol addictions.
Williamsʼ Top 10 Reasons to be an Episcopalian
No snake handling.
You can believe in dinosaurs.
Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
You donʼt have to check your brains at the door.
Church year is color-coded.
Free wine on Sunday.
All of the pageantry - none of the guilt.
You donʼt have to know how to swim to get baptized.
And the Number One reason to be an Episcopalian:
No matter what you believe, thereʼs bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.
Reality, what a concept!
Reality is just a crutch for people who canʼt cope with drugs.
If itʼs the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
What he would like to hear God say when he [Robin] arrives at the pearly gates:
“Thereʼs seating near the front. The concert begins at 5. Itʼll be Mozart, Elvis, and you know, anyone of your choosing. Or just, nice if heaven exists to know that thereʼs laughter. That would be a great thing … just to hear God go, ‘two Jews just walked into a bar.’”
Remember the movie The Last Temptation of Christ? There were people outside with signs that said, “This movieʼs not real.” Come here, Sparky. No movieʼs real. And they had other signs that said, “You will not get into the Kingdom of Heaven.” I looked at these people and said, “Are you going to be there? If so, then Iʼm not going.”
Once on Leno, Williams pretended to be playing a game where the pedophile is hidden under a cup. He said, “Here we go. Find the priest, find the pedophile. Find the priest, find the pedophile. Here you go right now. Move ʽem around, move ʽem around. Oh, you found the pedophile.”
Williams later put his hand over his groin, saying, “You have to realize that if you are a Catholic priest, you have retired this. Thatʼs it—no more sex, but they are going to put you in a small dark box [a confessional] and people are going to tell you the nastiest sexual stuff they have done.”
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
Spring is natureʼs way of saying, ‘Letʼs party!’
Cocaine is Godʼs way of telling you youʼre making too much money.
Youʼre only given a little spark of madness. You mustnʼt lose it.
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