A new sect of Christians has arisen in the West Virginian town of Bluestone, partly in response to the continued risk of needless death in nearby Serpent-Handling churches.
This church is different, they preach that besides Jesusʼ command to Love your Enemies, he might just as well have added, “Ye shall cuddle the cutest of kittens, and ye shall not harm them, and this shall be a sign unto the world of the truth of our Gospel.”
Nobody said trying to keep a kitten safe from harm in oneʼs bare hands was as easy as snake handling! Itʼs only by the power of god that one is able to keep the kittens that one handles safe from all harm, and undropped!
Pastor Eamon Smith
Pastorʼs Daughter Angelica
Angelicaʼs Friend Bobsy Jones
New parishoner joining the church, Marybeth Pomney, in the middle of her kitten-chism ceremony.
Three year anniversary of Martha Mayʼs church attendance, sheʼs never missed a service!
Four year anniversary of Hinton Gʼs church membership.
A powerful testimony delivered by Fred Eggleston!
Not one kitten harmed! Ever!
David Groves, ace cat juggler by trade is not a member of the church! (though he was invited by Pastor Smith to teach Sunday School last November just so he could share everything he knows about how not to drop cats or kittens. ever!)
Kitten Prayer Ceremony (no this kitten had not been dropped! this was part of the churchʼs normal worship service)
Handling kittens leads to raising cats, and juggling cats is not recommended, due to the possibility of harm coming to them, however, itʼs o.k. in this church if the cats are the ones doing the juggling! howl-a-leuya!
Cats with fairy-angel wings as seen in a vision and painted by Sister Margaret
A large “No Dogs Allowed” sign stands outside the church (for obvious reasons) Pastor Smith explains, “Weʼre not being discriminatory, we just arenʼt prepared for dogs yet. Weʼre heavily invested in litter and catnip and so weʼre focusing on kittens first. But so many of our members love puppies as well as kittens that as soon as we raise enough funds for an addition on the church weʼll become the ‘First Church of Kitten & Puppy-Handlers.’”
The Anti-Cat (two varieties as examples) Pastor Smith also talked to us about the “Anti-Cat.” “The Anti-Cat is what cats arenʼt supposed to be, itʼs two-faced, and not to be trusted, donʼt turn your back on it. Though itʼs hard to look away.”Labels:religious humor comedy satire sarcasm jokes
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